THE TORAH-The Director's Cut

By R. E. Dinlocker

Comedy & satire | Paperback, eBook


God and Moses complain that a new Torah is like a game of telephone where a message whispered down a line of children emerges totally changed from their original writing. In Genesis, God explains the difficulty in creating a universe and getting concrete trucks to arrive on time, his relation to Santa and why old Jews talk like Yoda. I learn how Joseph’s coat got him in trouble and that Tamar exhibited Jewish women’s evolutionary traits of Lilith’s chutzpa, Eve’s attitude and Sarah’s ability to nudjer. In Exodus, Moses explains why Vincent Price is in The Ten Commandments movie, but Edward G. Robinson is in the Torah. Aaron, the first lawyer, gives the reasons to free the Jews including: Jews take Egyptian jobs. Moses explains how breaking the Commandments on the Golden Calf invented Jewelry. In Leviticus, Moses introduces the schnecken and the shtick to control his people and explains why Sandy Koufax didn’t pitch on the Sabbath. In Numbers, God, Moses and Aaron give numbers for everything. They name the twelve tribes; Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Sephardics, Ashkenazis, Kabbalists, Sadducees, Pharisees, Zealots, Galitzianers and Litvaks and tell how the Hasidism gave the French the color black. I learn Deuteronomy should be Duderonomy meaning ‘Rules for Guys’ and why God wrote it in sports clichés. Moses and God finally fade away to the Songs of Moses; Mesopotamian Homesick Jews and The Tribes They Are A-Changin’.


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God and Moses complain that a new Torah is like a game of telephone where a message whispered down a line of children emerges totally changed from their original writing. In Genesis, God explains the difficulty in creating a universe and getting concrete trucks to arrive on time, his relation to Santa and why old Jews talk like Yoda. I learn how Joseph’s coat got him in trouble and that Tamar exhibited Jewish women’s evolutionary traits of Lilith’s chutzpa, Eve’s attitude and Sarah’s ability to nudjer. In Exodus, Moses explains why Vincent Price is in The Ten Commandments movie, but Edward G. Robinson is in the Torah. Aaron, the first lawyer, gives the reasons to free the Jews including: Jews take Egyptian jobs. Moses explains how breaking the Commandments on the Golden Calf invented ...


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I have lived in and written about Iran, Egypt, Indonesia, Haiti, Shanghai and the US. My novels are The Missionary Position, about Angela Benedetto’s adventures in Irian Jaya, My Enemy, My Friend, about a love affair during the Iranian Revolution, Something Came Up about a young man’s search for himself hitchhiking across the US, Shanghai’d about a Chinese/Israeli plot originating in 1930’s Shanghai, Maiden Shanghai, about Shanghai’s Green Gang’s covert aid to China’s Xinjiang Separatists, Laidback & Co. about an athletic team in Jakarta, Indonesia, The United Hates of America about two rival preachers who join forces against common enemies THE TORAH-The Director’s Cut, God, a humorous retranslation of the Torah and Four Guys Gospels about an advertising company hired to promote a Jewish man with a Hispanic name as the Messiah. I have written published articles for Channel East Magazine, West-East Magazine, Media Magazine, Asian Hotel and Catering Magazine, www.zingasia.com, www.chinaOnline.com and the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.


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I have lived in and written about Iran, Egypt, Indonesia, Haiti, Shanghai and the US. My novels are The Missionary Position, about Angela Benedetto’s adventures in Irian Jaya, My Enemy, My Friend, about a love affair during the Iranian Revolution, Something Came Up about a young man’s search for himself hitchhiking across the US, Shanghai’d about a Chinese/Israeli plot originating in 1930’s Shang...


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